My mother....My amazing mother is gone. I don't even know if it really has sunk in or not. I just saw her on Thursday. She came over because it was my youngest daughters Birthday the following day. We ate pizza and talked and sang songs. Now all I have left to hear are the three voicemails from her I hadn't deleted yet.....pictures to see her by. Just like that. She left us this morning. Some time between 4-6 am...... I didn't hear the first time my phone went off when her husband was calling. But I answered an hour late. He said it. He said she was gone and went in her sleep in her bed. Just like that. I'm still crumbling inside thinking of that moment. That didn't just happen. But it did. My sister currently lives in Tennessee and they are an hour behind. My sister apparently had her phone on vibrate. I luckily after an hour of calling over and over got her husband awake to wake her. Then I had to tell her. It was the first time I said she was dead. She was gone. Out loud........
I am very grateful for my friends and family that have reached out. I just don't know what to say or do. Hell I went to the funeral home thinking that was what I was supposed to do but they were closed. Had to call the Director of the place to be guided on what I was even to do or what my next steps are. Still not really much clearer then what I knew prior to making that call. I still don't know how to act or handle these spastic and uncontrollable emotions.
My kids are doing okay, but yet again they are still pretty young to fully understand. Except my oldest. I can't really even tell how she is doing because I can't even figure out how I am even doing. I guess that is why I am writing. Then again I don't even know if I am making any sense to even been understood.
This isn't supposed to happen yet. My mom has had chron's disease since I was born in 1981. It's been a long battle to deal with but she was dealing with it. She also had sleep apnea but apparently she wasn't using her machine last night? I don't know what happened. All I know is God took her because it was time even though I don't want it to be. The person I talked to about everything and helped guide me through my life isn't here to guide me.
Tomorrow morning my sis and I and my mother's husband will sit with the Funeral Director. I guess I will know more when that happens. I just want to see her. I don't know what my reaction would be but I want to. If I would have moved a little quicker with my reaction this morning and went straight to the house I could have saw her then. I couldn't move though. They will let me see her right? I don't know how this works.
Well....I don't know what else to write. I just miss my mom. I want her back and accepting the fact that she is gone well is not acceptable.
I can't do this.......
