It has been awhile since I have written anything.... I have let the routine of life just carry it's regular course and forgot that I actually enjoy having to say something. Sad thing is that I've been in a rut of thinking that my voice doesn't make a difference so why even bother? People will still do what they are going to do and feel the way they do. It isn't about that I want to have an influence of change. Just provide an outlook if possible to just one or two people that may have not thought to think that way.
Just the other day I was gracious enough to actually have someone influence the way I thought about something and provide such a different outlook on it that even though my first stance was to argue but reality was they were so right. So..... yes, this stubborn girl was literally thrown off of how I have viewed a part of me for so long to be.
My life has been filled with many storms to points where I have lost everything. My heart, will-power, strength and even emotions. I don't hide from admitting where I have PTSD and severe anxiety issues that has left me in a way where I thought I was forever broken more than half of my life. Life got hard. Situations out of hand and left me powerless. With losing my mom last year the way I did has numbed me in a way that I have a hard time thinking I will never be the same.
Things happen for a reason. Signs come out of nowhere....a song plays when I didn't think I needed to hear it and then someone says something to actually fix a part of me. A quote... any quote really allows reflection and clarity for me to remind my head that there were so many inspirational people in the world that has influenced millions by just saying or stating a sentence.
My main work has always been pharmacy in some shape or form. Trauma, General Surgery, Drug Studies, Drug development, sales, Psychiatric care, Pain management......I could go on. With those experiences lies my development of understanding the human body and brain. The way I personally look at life. The way I study it to understand things that just don't make sense. It is my vice. As soon as a case comes my way I haven't heard or experienced or know anything about, I jump on a learning journey to know as much I can. It can be very ironic when here I deal with so many things personally.....but I avoid learning it for myself care and growth. Or I avoid listening to anything that may or may not personally help me in making myself a better person.
People like me that have gone through severe bouts of depression or their anxiety gets out of control, hearing an other's thoughts is really hard to absorb. As I said prior, I was lucky enough to have someone come at me with an explanation and thought process that not only did I absorb.....but it reached internally in ways that has fully taken over a dark cloud I have carried and actually allows me to reflect in a beautiful manner.
I've said I've been broken. The pieces of me that once was, may be allowed to be glued back together but the scars of the break will remain. I still believe that. But instead of thinking that I'm damaged forever, I've been given a different outlook that I just have to share:
"Stop seeing yourself as broken and start seeing yourself as priceless art. Art takes a certain appreciation. An understanding of process and vision. An empathy for heartbeats in a brush stroke and the emotion in specific colors. Most don't look hard enough or put the thought and effort into. That is their problem."
So just with those words, that feeling of never being good enough has altered in a way that I never thought it could. It has influenced me in a way that I still can't even think of the right adjectives to describe what it has done for my self reflection.
That is the thing though....I look hard for scientific evidence and then nothing that has to do with anything that I study and work breaks through. With me, this proves that just one voice if heard by the right person it can change your entire world.
"A mirror gives you just a reflection of what you want to see, a person can allow you to see more than you ever could." -M.D. Johnson
People like me that have gone through severe bouts of depression or their anxiety gets out of control, hearing an other's thoughts is really hard to absorb. As I said prior, I was lucky enough to have someone come at me with an explanation and thought process that not only did I absorb.....but it reached internally in ways that has fully taken over a dark cloud I have carried and actually allows me to reflect in a beautiful manner.
I've said I've been broken. The pieces of me that once was, may be allowed to be glued back together but the scars of the break will remain. I still believe that. But instead of thinking that I'm damaged forever, I've been given a different outlook that I just have to share:
"Stop seeing yourself as broken and start seeing yourself as priceless art. Art takes a certain appreciation. An understanding of process and vision. An empathy for heartbeats in a brush stroke and the emotion in specific colors. Most don't look hard enough or put the thought and effort into. That is their problem."
So just with those words, that feeling of never being good enough has altered in a way that I never thought it could. It has influenced me in a way that I still can't even think of the right adjectives to describe what it has done for my self reflection.
That is the thing though....I look hard for scientific evidence and then nothing that has to do with anything that I study and work breaks through. With me, this proves that just one voice if heard by the right person it can change your entire world.
"A mirror gives you just a reflection of what you want to see, a person can allow you to see more than you ever could." -M.D. Johnson
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