December 12th, 2021

'{...}the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!"

------Jack Kerouac, On the Road

I came across this lovely reference over the weekend. I love how the words take you on a journey in a story but electrified with emotions in each syllable. Poetry. I fucking love it. 

Okay so here is at least an update on how my life has been. I'm existing. Been doing more sitting back and really looking around. I want to figure out what in the hell do I have to do to feel like a normal person for just once for more than just a day a year if I'm lucky???? Other words, I've been really cranky for being annoyed at being annoyed. Cherry Garcia in my freezer for when I want to eat my feelings, oh and waiting to see if I have Covid again or not since I was exposed. Today I think is day 3 so I have a whole other week to be in isolation. I am developing symptoms now so I'm getting tested again tomorrow. 

Christmas Shopping is at 60% completion.

I've made my bed every day for the past week. 

Took a shower, exfoliated everything and buttered myself in lotion so my skin feels amazing. (Basically, kicked selfcare's ass requirement for the day. hahaha)

I selfishly loved the extra hugs and attention from kiddos this week for when they were sick. I am still thankful Zoey didn't miss that trashcan. 

I am thankful for heating pads because I think my uterus is going to explode without it........

I am also very thankful (I should have led with this one) that Joe not only feeds me, but he is also a mad scientist of awesome foodness and I wouldn't have the ass I have today if it wasn't for his cooking. 

I bought myself a violin. I need to string it and teach myself how to play. I always wanted to learn, so why the fuck not now? 

I'm also really sad. It's still here. I recognize it. I hate it. I'm haunted by self-hatred, errors of my ways, and just out right pity. I'm also optimistic for tomorrow coming. I want out of my misery but alive......basically "mad to live, desirous of everything" kind of thing. 

I'm still trying though. #winning

November 28th, 2021

 The weekend is coming to its end. The last little bit of my daily laundry contribution is in the dryer. I may not have to work tomorrow, but I thinks it's going to be my busiest day this week. Forcing myself to do this body cleanse thing that I start tomorrow so heads up. I'll be grumpy and probably gassy for the next week. Hopefully this is all for the greater good and not a week of hell. 

Okay now to get to the real shit. I've cried at least three times today. No clue why. I just really just want to day dream and listen to music. Nope, cool me isn't allowed in this category.  I'm selfishly in need of attention to show I mean something to someone. My ego and heart need at least at least a tickle. I won't be right until I get it. I wish I could order it like everything else on Amazon. Get it done and over with. Now it's a waiting game. What shitshow am I waiting on this time? 

I am impressed this past Thanksgiving, there wasn't a shitshow. Blending families and personalities and alcohol usually goes into Overtime running nonstop drama plays while I sit on the bench trying not to spill my flask. It was actually a really fun time. Played a hilarious game that I can't remember what it was called, but I got to laugh. Like really laugh, down in the gut type. The great laughs. The best ones. My belly was full and so was my heart. 

Work was a decent for a Friday afternoon. Made decent money behind the bar. Some jerk face called me a stupid cunt because he apparently was unaware of the proper process on how to have that perfect pour on a Nitro Infused Stout!!!!!!!!! Anyways, got home and watched some football and a fire. Another day, another jerk taking their turn on the asshole platform. Kill with kindness and facts. Or get fired. Or both. I didn't get fired. 

List to complete today:

1. Make my bed. check. 

2. Give my kids 3 awkward long hugs today. In progress. One more kid to track down in this big ass house. 

3. Pedicure is necessary. check.

Homework: Write what this saying means to me as a next post: "Today is Today. Tomorrow is tomorrow." 

Also, please note that my favorite song for today is Morgan Wallen's "Cover Me Up". 

November 22, 2021

 It is another day in the life of me. First, I am thankful that. Then let's be honest, I will become mad at the fact I am still here during some point of today. 

Also I should probably include that I am not suicidal. I'm just so aware of the changes in my mood and thought process. How many crazy people admit that?? HaHa.....ha. Its really annoying being aware and not have any control over it. Who knows, I might have undiagnosed multiple personalities. I'm aware of when I change and I don't have control on what I am doing. I should probably get that tested. I mean it would explain a lot. Then again I do have diagnosed PTSD, good ole Depression, and a heavy pour of panic/anxiety disorder. 

So I take my medication. I see my doctor regularly, I do therapy. I make small goals or tasks for me to do on a daily basis so I can enforce the feeling that I'm not worthless today because I did "This". I tell my family when I'm not okay. I let them know if it is going to be a bad day. I have that support and plan together because mental health and self care are important. So I'm good. 

I have been able to accept certain things differently since I started to work on me. I accept that there are going to be bad days, bad moments, bad decisions. It will happen. Its okay for me to be sad plus add in grief and anger as well! It is normal. Nothing is perfect. Trust me this is a huge accomplishment when you accept that. I just eliminated unnecessary anxiety that I will have. I taught myself something that ails me and I'm proud. Go ME!!!

I also accept that this is me. Not completely though yet........ I'm still in stages of anger on it. I will always have PTSD. I will always have some form of Depression. I will always have severe anxiety. I am also good time to hang out with, find ways to make you laugh, music lover and the soul of a full moon. I love hard. I talk really fast when I'm nervous. I have a mouth of a sailor. My intentions are never negative unless you are on my list of five people I hate. 

We all got to start somewhere!

Today's List: 

1. Make bed 

2. Two loads of laundry

3. Give all my kids an extra long hug at least twice today.

4. Take a long hot bath