December 12th, 2021

'{...}the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!"

------Jack Kerouac, On the Road

I came across this lovely reference over the weekend. I love how the words take you on a journey in a story but electrified with emotions in each syllable. Poetry. I fucking love it. 

Okay so here is at least an update on how my life has been. I'm existing. Been doing more sitting back and really looking around. I want to figure out what in the hell do I have to do to feel like a normal person for just once for more than just a day a year if I'm lucky???? Other words, I've been really cranky for being annoyed at being annoyed. Cherry Garcia in my freezer for when I want to eat my feelings, oh and waiting to see if I have Covid again or not since I was exposed. Today I think is day 3 so I have a whole other week to be in isolation. I am developing symptoms now so I'm getting tested again tomorrow. 

Christmas Shopping is at 60% completion.

I've made my bed every day for the past week. 

Took a shower, exfoliated everything and buttered myself in lotion so my skin feels amazing. (Basically, kicked selfcare's ass requirement for the day. hahaha)

I selfishly loved the extra hugs and attention from kiddos this week for when they were sick. I am still thankful Zoey didn't miss that trashcan. 

I am thankful for heating pads because I think my uterus is going to explode without it........

I am also very thankful (I should have led with this one) that Joe not only feeds me, but he is also a mad scientist of awesome foodness and I wouldn't have the ass I have today if it wasn't for his cooking. 

I bought myself a violin. I need to string it and teach myself how to play. I always wanted to learn, so why the fuck not now? 

I'm also really sad. It's still here. I recognize it. I hate it. I'm haunted by self-hatred, errors of my ways, and just out right pity. I'm also optimistic for tomorrow coming. I want out of my misery but alive......basically "mad to live, desirous of everything" kind of thing. 

I'm still trying though. #winning