February 20th 2022

 

February 20^th 2022

 

Today’s thoughts are brought to you all by Brianna Wiest: Author of the book called, “101 ESSAYS that will CHANGE the way YOU THINK.” Well, she has done her job. My highlighter has almost half of what I read so far. I figured I would take the opportunity to grab some of the things I highlighted to go more in depth with as in my understanding whether you care to read about it or not. I write for me. It seems to be the only effective way that I can deal with my own shit.

 

Okay so first section I came across where I was in need to start highlighting. It was on page 15. Just mentioning the statement “You needlessly create problems and crisis in your life because you’re afraid of actually living it…”

Mere seconds between the absorption of each individual word and I’m in an instant #WTF mode. So, some of the first thirty thoughts was myself thinking that this is totally me. Next, I get to the point where I’m mad at myself if I am and then next hundred thoughts consist of, how I can even be afraid to live when all I want to do is live??? Live as me. No restraints. Free.

So inevitably I’ll fall down the rabbit hole even knowing of the insanity that unwinds is on forever repeat. Luckily this is still the beginning of the book. Another plus is that in chapter 84 there will be a How to think for yourself: An 8-step Guide. There really is. Just not that far into it yet.

 

This book has come around at the perfect time for me, I guess. I’ve been trying to deal with all the stuff I refuse to deal with because well, it hurts. I don’t like pain. But the timing on my perception of the world is that I know now if I want to get better, got to deal with ALLLLLLL the shit. Pain does fade.

 

So today, I miss my Mom. So I listened to some Tom Petty. His music makes me think of her since she surprised me with the concert one night. It was a great night. I still remember the people sitting next to me. They were a much older couple. Like Grandma had on a Worlds Best Grandma sweater. As soon as Tom Petty hit the stage the couple were both smoking joints and living in the moment. My cop mother was laughing and singing with me all night. She was living in the moment too. Don’t get me wrong, I was as well. I know all the details and everything. The best thing about imprinting is when the amazing one’s stick. If I relax enough, I can relive it. Smell the smells, hear the things, feel the living of it…………. My guess is it must be a punishment to having greatness; because even remembering some moments of horrific things felt just at the same intensity that you wish you could dispel are right there too.

 

I’ve also been really craving some tattoos. Still need to get the matching tattoo with my oldest daughter. I do though want a shit ton more. My work schedule will be getting much busier so I’m looking forward to that coming up. I’m back on Keto so I’m a little bit grumpier then normal. It should pass in a week. Trying to keep up with going tanning. That’s always a mood booster. My ASHWAGANDHA can only do so much.

Until next time. 

December 12th, 2021

'{...}the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!"

------Jack Kerouac, On the Road

I came across this lovely reference over the weekend. I love how the words take you on a journey in a story but electrified with emotions in each syllable. Poetry. I fucking love it. 

Okay so here is at least an update on how my life has been. I'm existing. Been doing more sitting back and really looking around. I want to figure out what in the hell do I have to do to feel like a normal person for just once for more than just a day a year if I'm lucky???? Other words, I've been really cranky for being annoyed at being annoyed. Cherry Garcia in my freezer for when I want to eat my feelings, oh and waiting to see if I have Covid again or not since I was exposed. Today I think is day 3 so I have a whole other week to be in isolation. I am developing symptoms now so I'm getting tested again tomorrow. 

Christmas Shopping is at 60% completion.

I've made my bed every day for the past week. 

Took a shower, exfoliated everything and buttered myself in lotion so my skin feels amazing. (Basically, kicked selfcare's ass requirement for the day. hahaha)

I selfishly loved the extra hugs and attention from kiddos this week for when they were sick. I am still thankful Zoey didn't miss that trashcan. 

I am thankful for heating pads because I think my uterus is going to explode without it........

I am also very thankful (I should have led with this one) that Joe not only feeds me, but he is also a mad scientist of awesome foodness and I wouldn't have the ass I have today if it wasn't for his cooking. 

I bought myself a violin. I need to string it and teach myself how to play. I always wanted to learn, so why the fuck not now? 

I'm also really sad. It's still here. I recognize it. I hate it. I'm haunted by self-hatred, errors of my ways, and just out right pity. I'm also optimistic for tomorrow coming. I want out of my misery but alive......basically "mad to live, desirous of everything" kind of thing. 

I'm still trying though. #winning

November 28th, 2021

 The weekend is coming to its end. The last little bit of my daily laundry contribution is in the dryer. I may not have to work tomorrow, but I thinks it's going to be my busiest day this week. Forcing myself to do this body cleanse thing that I start tomorrow so heads up. I'll be grumpy and probably gassy for the next week. Hopefully this is all for the greater good and not a week of hell. 

Okay now to get to the real shit. I've cried at least three times today. No clue why. I just really just want to day dream and listen to music. Nope, cool me isn't allowed in this category.  I'm selfishly in need of attention to show I mean something to someone. My ego and heart need at least at least a tickle. I won't be right until I get it. I wish I could order it like everything else on Amazon. Get it done and over with. Now it's a waiting game. What shitshow am I waiting on this time? 

I am impressed this past Thanksgiving, there wasn't a shitshow. Blending families and personalities and alcohol usually goes into Overtime running nonstop drama plays while I sit on the bench trying not to spill my flask. It was actually a really fun time. Played a hilarious game that I can't remember what it was called, but I got to laugh. Like really laugh, down in the gut type. The great laughs. The best ones. My belly was full and so was my heart. 

Work was a decent for a Friday afternoon. Made decent money behind the bar. Some jerk face called me a stupid cunt because he apparently was unaware of the proper process on how to have that perfect pour on a Nitro Infused Stout!!!!!!!!! Anyways, got home and watched some football and a fire. Another day, another jerk taking their turn on the asshole platform. Kill with kindness and facts. Or get fired. Or both. I didn't get fired. 

List to complete today:

1. Make my bed. check. 

2. Give my kids 3 awkward long hugs today. In progress. One more kid to track down in this big ass house. 

3. Pedicure is necessary. check.

Homework: Write what this saying means to me as a next post: "Today is Today. Tomorrow is tomorrow." 

Also, please note that my favorite song for today is Morgan Wallen's "Cover Me Up". 

November 22, 2021

 It is another day in the life of me. First, I am thankful that. Then let's be honest, I will become mad at the fact I am still here during some point of today. 

Also I should probably include that I am not suicidal. I'm just so aware of the changes in my mood and thought process. How many crazy people admit that?? HaHa.....ha. Its really annoying being aware and not have any control over it. Who knows, I might have undiagnosed multiple personalities. I'm aware of when I change and I don't have control on what I am doing. I should probably get that tested. I mean it would explain a lot. Then again I do have diagnosed PTSD, good ole Depression, and a heavy pour of panic/anxiety disorder. 

So I take my medication. I see my doctor regularly, I do therapy. I make small goals or tasks for me to do on a daily basis so I can enforce the feeling that I'm not worthless today because I did "This". I tell my family when I'm not okay. I let them know if it is going to be a bad day. I have that support and plan together because mental health and self care are important. So I'm good. 

I have been able to accept certain things differently since I started to work on me. I accept that there are going to be bad days, bad moments, bad decisions. It will happen. Its okay for me to be sad plus add in grief and anger as well! It is normal. Nothing is perfect. Trust me this is a huge accomplishment when you accept that. I just eliminated unnecessary anxiety that I will have. I taught myself something that ails me and I'm proud. Go ME!!!

I also accept that this is me. Not completely though yet........ I'm still in stages of anger on it. I will always have PTSD. I will always have some form of Depression. I will always have severe anxiety. I am also good time to hang out with, find ways to make you laugh, music lover and the soul of a full moon. I love hard. I talk really fast when I'm nervous. I have a mouth of a sailor. My intentions are never negative unless you are on my list of five people I hate. 

We all got to start somewhere!

Today's List: 

1. Make bed 

2. Two loads of laundry

3. Give all my kids an extra long hug at least twice today.

4. Take a long hot bath

Tragedies; Praying for Superior Beverage Company

We always want to know the "why?".......

Since we were born and started to see and learn about the world around us, our question was always why? Why do I have to do this or that? Why does this taste like this? Why does it rain? Etc….

Doesn't change when we grow up. We can get answers but never to the point of full and complete understanding for which we desire.

We go into the mode of the would've could've should've….

In reality it is a reflection on the road that we have chose to travel in our life with the people that we included along its path. Would or could you have done anything differently with the relationships that you have made along the way? Reflection on our traveling road we are on in our life includes the people that we collect and/or engage within its path creates this urge to think of: Would you have done anything differently or could have done anything differently with the relationships that you have made along the way? Would it really be a difference if you could have changed something? Should you even think about the would've and could haves?

It's a never-ending circle of torment in our minds within the way that we think and the way that we love and the way we just feel. It goes even down to the way that we just express ourselves in general, because there WILL be a day where we WILL have this reflection more than once. One thing I have personally perceived is that the answer is human. What I mean by that is that all of us together we're human. We are built with humility, empathy, strengths in multiple different areas and faults in multiple different areas. The way we are built down to our morals and even our selfish sins. But within us, being human and not one of us being perfect......... there is something we share equally: Tragedy. That bond of loss and grief and all those questions. Especially, "Why?".

The end of 2016 has a tragedy affecting a lot of people I know and of course the ones I don't even still today. Here we are into the new year of 2017 and there still isn't yet a resolution. Some of you may have heard of what happened since this made national news. Please read the following to know which tragedy I am speaking of:

The Fleming Family

Brian Casey and his daughter Megan

"On December 29th, John T. Fleming, chief executive of Superior Beverage Group in Columbus, Ohio, was piloting the plane from Cleveland, Ohio since his family and friends just attended a Cleveland Cavaliers basketball game. The destination of course was back to Columbus, Ohio. Just only a few seconds after takeoff, the plane disappeared from radar. Last known location was over Lake Erie.

All souls were lost on board and they are the following: John Fleming, his wife Sue Fleming, their two teenage sons: Jack and Andrew Fleming. John's close friend and neighbor, Brian Casey and his daughter Megan. Andrew Fleming's service dog, Sandy was also assumed aboard the plane as well.

The United States Coast Guard, along with many other official organizations, diving teams, etc... vowed to not stop looking until recovery has been completed. Only debris at this point from the plane has been found for which only confirms that tragedy has occurred."

Pretty much all the quoted report above was from combined reports from http://www.10tv.com/news.

Superior Beverage group also just was dealt with another tragedy. An employee after arriving to work yesterday, discovered his wife tragically was lost due to a car accident that morning. Until I have permission I am not going to release anything further on that. Just know another tragic event has occurred which did not make national news. Even with being anonymously, please keep them in your hearts as well.

Please know that no human is a nobody. Every single one of us: humans and animals included; lives a life for which will always be their own individual legacy. We imprint on each other on our journey through this so called life.

When you work for a company, they become your family and your friends. You probably see your co-workers more than you see your own family. You are taught things that resonates eternally. For those that don't know, all of this has hit personally because my husband works for Superior Beverage. Mr. Fleming was his boss. So those of you that are out and about in Columbus, Ohio and you see ANY Superior Beverage employee aka beer guys, please remember they are grieving and mourning all these losses as a family. We should always live in a world on being kind to one another for everyone is fighting some sort of battle.

So please send your thoughts and prayers for everyone at Superior Beverage for these TWO tragic events. Pray for those working on recovery efforts of the plane and all its passengers. Pray for the families that were lost. Praying now for the days ahead while everyone is on their road of healing. Praying for ANYONE right now that is dealing with their own tragedy.

   

 "It has been said, ' time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, in mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone."

Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy

***Please note that I hold no copyrights to any images in this blog today.***

A Holiday Grant of Tablets for Families with a loved with Autism. Let us make it an extra special Christmas!!!

Every year, Autism Speaks does a grant for applicants that are financially disadvantaged for people with Autism. This year, they had 685 iPad Air's with Wifi to grant out to selected applicants that met the following criteria:

Eligible applicants are individuals who:
Have been diagnosed with autism by a licensed professional
Reside in the United States
Have limited income and cannot afford to purchase an iPad

The window to apply has closed already in November to apply for this grant. Those interested in next years iPad grant should register here: Autism Speaks iPad Grant Application

Also, if you would like to personally donate to this grant, you will find that option at the bottom of the main page of that link and click on the DONATE option. 

Zoey and I

Zoey as a deer at Halloween this year

Now with all of that said, many of you know that I have an amazing beautiful daughter Zoey Rae that has "Classical Autism". I've made myself apart of Autism Speaks for many years doing fundraisers and walks to continue the support of not only raising funds but providing education to those that don't know about Autism. The past three years I also began working directly with families that just obtained the diagnosis of Autism. I still remember the day I was told my daughter was autistic. All I had was this diagnosis for her and was sent out on my own to find what path I was supposed to follow. It was the longest road to walk alone. Studying this and

that, reading everything, meeting with doctors and even joined a support group. Heck I even added a major of Psychology in college to not only just understand the science, but I wanted to know how to put myself in the position to look at life the way my daughter did so one day I could hear the word Mommy. Hear and feel her say she loved me. It took a few years but I was lucky. I heard them. I felt them. So helping as many families I can so they are not walking that long road alone is just something that became necessary for me.

So Christmas is almost here and Amazon Prime is working with me with hopefully delivering Fire Tablet, 7" Display 8GB with WIFI in Blue to a lot of families for this Christmas. Tablets and iPads are often the only way some kids with Autism have the ability to even communicate. So here is where I am looking for your help and your contributions.

What I need first is families to be nominated to be in the drawing to obtain a free tablet to them. I will follow the same applicant profile that Autism Speaks uses which is placed in this blog up near the top. I would also like to add if someone is nominating a family or child on the spectrum, I would love a brief explanation on why you are choosing them and maybe even a picture? So please send all applicants and nominations to my private email: monicadiannejohnson@gmail.com. I will need contact information to get back with the drawing winners. Plus some of the information if allowed with be shared on the GoFundMe account.

https://www.gofundme.com/grant-tablets-for-autism-families


Now, the most important part is needing help with contributions. If there are those that would like to actually donate a tablet please email me as well so you may join me on gifting these families!! I have created a GoFundMe account for this fundraiser for contributors. I'm hoping to be able to serve at least ten families this year and possibly more dependent on how much is raised!

Please help be a voice for those that don't have one. 

What do you see?

It has been awhile since I have written anything.... I have let the routine of life just carry it's regular course and forgot that I actually enjoy having to say something. Sad thing is that I've been in a rut of thinking that my voice doesn't make a difference so why even bother? People will still do what they are going to do and feel the way they do. It isn't about that I want to have an influence of change. Just provide an outlook if possible to just one or two people that may have not thought to think that way.

Just the other day I was gracious enough to actually have someone influence the way I thought about something and provide such a different outlook on it that even though my first stance was to argue but reality was they were so right. So..... yes, this stubborn girl was literally thrown off of how I have viewed a part of me for so long to be. 

My life has been filled with many storms to points where I have lost everything. My heart, will-power, strength and even emotions. I don't hide from admitting where I have PTSD and severe anxiety issues that has left me in a way where I thought I was forever broken more than half of my life. Life got hard. Situations out of hand and left me powerless. With losing my mom last year the way I did has numbed me in a way that I have a hard time thinking I will never be the same. 

Things happen for a reason. Signs come out of nowhere....a song plays when I didn't think I needed to hear it and then someone says something to actually fix a part of me. A quote... any quote really allows reflection and clarity for me to remind my head that there were so many inspirational people in the world that has influenced millions by just saying or stating a sentence. 

My main work has always been pharmacy in some shape or form. Trauma, General Surgery, Drug Studies, Drug development, sales, Psychiatric care, Pain management......I could go on. With those experiences lies my development of understanding the human body and brain. The way I personally look at life. The way I study it to understand things that just don't make sense. It is my vice. As soon as a case comes my way I haven't heard or experienced or know anything about, I jump on a learning journey to know as much I can. It can be very ironic when here I deal with so many things personally.....but I avoid learning it for myself care and growth. Or I avoid listening to anything that may or may not personally help me in making myself a better person.

People like me that have gone through severe bouts of depression or their anxiety gets out of control, hearing an other's thoughts is really hard to absorb. As I said prior, I was lucky enough to have someone come at me with an explanation and thought process that not only did I absorb.....but it reached internally in ways that has fully taken over a dark cloud I have carried and actually allows me to reflect in a beautiful manner.

I've said I've been broken. The pieces of me that once was, may be allowed to be glued back together but the scars of the break will remain. I still believe that. But instead of thinking that I'm damaged forever, I've been given a different outlook that I just have to share:

"Stop seeing yourself as broken and start seeing yourself as priceless art. Art takes a certain appreciation. An understanding of process and vision. An empathy for heartbeats in a brush stroke and the emotion in specific colors. Most don't look hard enough or put the thought and effort into. That is their problem."

So just with those words, that feeling of never being good enough has altered in a way that I never thought it could. It has influenced me in a way that I still can't even think of the right adjectives to describe what it has done for my self reflection.

That is the thing though....I look hard for scientific evidence and then nothing that has to do with anything that I study and work breaks through. With me, this proves that just one voice if heard by the right person it can change your entire world.


"A mirror gives you just a reflection of what you want to see, a person can allow you to see more than you ever could." -M.D. Johnson