February 20th 2022

 

February 20^th 2022

 

Today’s thoughts are brought to you all by Brianna Wiest: Author of the book called, “101 ESSAYS that will CHANGE the way YOU THINK.” Well, she has done her job. My highlighter has almost half of what I read so far. I figured I would take the opportunity to grab some of the things I highlighted to go more in depth with as in my understanding whether you care to read about it or not. I write for me. It seems to be the only effective way that I can deal with my own shit.

 

Okay so first section I came across where I was in need to start highlighting. It was on page 15. Just mentioning the statement “You needlessly create problems and crisis in your life because you’re afraid of actually living it…”

Mere seconds between the absorption of each individual word and I’m in an instant #WTF mode. So, some of the first thirty thoughts was myself thinking that this is totally me. Next, I get to the point where I’m mad at myself if I am and then next hundred thoughts consist of, how I can even be afraid to live when all I want to do is live??? Live as me. No restraints. Free.

So inevitably I’ll fall down the rabbit hole even knowing of the insanity that unwinds is on forever repeat. Luckily this is still the beginning of the book. Another plus is that in chapter 84 there will be a How to think for yourself: An 8-step Guide. There really is. Just not that far into it yet.

 

This book has come around at the perfect time for me, I guess. I’ve been trying to deal with all the stuff I refuse to deal with because well, it hurts. I don’t like pain. But the timing on my perception of the world is that I know now if I want to get better, got to deal with ALLLLLLL the shit. Pain does fade.

 

So today, I miss my Mom. So I listened to some Tom Petty. His music makes me think of her since she surprised me with the concert one night. It was a great night. I still remember the people sitting next to me. They were a much older couple. Like Grandma had on a Worlds Best Grandma sweater. As soon as Tom Petty hit the stage the couple were both smoking joints and living in the moment. My cop mother was laughing and singing with me all night. She was living in the moment too. Don’t get me wrong, I was as well. I know all the details and everything. The best thing about imprinting is when the amazing one’s stick. If I relax enough, I can relive it. Smell the smells, hear the things, feel the living of it…………. My guess is it must be a punishment to having greatness; because even remembering some moments of horrific things felt just at the same intensity that you wish you could dispel are right there too.

 

I’ve also been really craving some tattoos. Still need to get the matching tattoo with my oldest daughter. I do though want a shit ton more. My work schedule will be getting much busier so I’m looking forward to that coming up. I’m back on Keto so I’m a little bit grumpier then normal. It should pass in a week. Trying to keep up with going tanning. That’s always a mood booster. My ASHWAGANDHA can only do so much.

Until next time. 

December 12th, 2021

'{...}the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!"

------Jack Kerouac, On the Road

I came across this lovely reference over the weekend. I love how the words take you on a journey in a story but electrified with emotions in each syllable. Poetry. I fucking love it. 

Okay so here is at least an update on how my life has been. I'm existing. Been doing more sitting back and really looking around. I want to figure out what in the hell do I have to do to feel like a normal person for just once for more than just a day a year if I'm lucky???? Other words, I've been really cranky for being annoyed at being annoyed. Cherry Garcia in my freezer for when I want to eat my feelings, oh and waiting to see if I have Covid again or not since I was exposed. Today I think is day 3 so I have a whole other week to be in isolation. I am developing symptoms now so I'm getting tested again tomorrow. 

Christmas Shopping is at 60% completion.

I've made my bed every day for the past week. 

Took a shower, exfoliated everything and buttered myself in lotion so my skin feels amazing. (Basically, kicked selfcare's ass requirement for the day. hahaha)

I selfishly loved the extra hugs and attention from kiddos this week for when they were sick. I am still thankful Zoey didn't miss that trashcan. 

I am thankful for heating pads because I think my uterus is going to explode without it........

I am also very thankful (I should have led with this one) that Joe not only feeds me, but he is also a mad scientist of awesome foodness and I wouldn't have the ass I have today if it wasn't for his cooking. 

I bought myself a violin. I need to string it and teach myself how to play. I always wanted to learn, so why the fuck not now? 

I'm also really sad. It's still here. I recognize it. I hate it. I'm haunted by self-hatred, errors of my ways, and just out right pity. I'm also optimistic for tomorrow coming. I want out of my misery but alive......basically "mad to live, desirous of everything" kind of thing. 

I'm still trying though. #winning

November 28th, 2021

 The weekend is coming to its end. The last little bit of my daily laundry contribution is in the dryer. I may not have to work tomorrow, but I thinks it's going to be my busiest day this week. Forcing myself to do this body cleanse thing that I start tomorrow so heads up. I'll be grumpy and probably gassy for the next week. Hopefully this is all for the greater good and not a week of hell. 

Okay now to get to the real shit. I've cried at least three times today. No clue why. I just really just want to day dream and listen to music. Nope, cool me isn't allowed in this category.  I'm selfishly in need of attention to show I mean something to someone. My ego and heart need at least at least a tickle. I won't be right until I get it. I wish I could order it like everything else on Amazon. Get it done and over with. Now it's a waiting game. What shitshow am I waiting on this time? 

I am impressed this past Thanksgiving, there wasn't a shitshow. Blending families and personalities and alcohol usually goes into Overtime running nonstop drama plays while I sit on the bench trying not to spill my flask. It was actually a really fun time. Played a hilarious game that I can't remember what it was called, but I got to laugh. Like really laugh, down in the gut type. The great laughs. The best ones. My belly was full and so was my heart. 

Work was a decent for a Friday afternoon. Made decent money behind the bar. Some jerk face called me a stupid cunt because he apparently was unaware of the proper process on how to have that perfect pour on a Nitro Infused Stout!!!!!!!!! Anyways, got home and watched some football and a fire. Another day, another jerk taking their turn on the asshole platform. Kill with kindness and facts. Or get fired. Or both. I didn't get fired. 

List to complete today:

1. Make my bed. check. 

2. Give my kids 3 awkward long hugs today. In progress. One more kid to track down in this big ass house. 

3. Pedicure is necessary. check.

Homework: Write what this saying means to me as a next post: "Today is Today. Tomorrow is tomorrow." 

Also, please note that my favorite song for today is Morgan Wallen's "Cover Me Up". 

November 22, 2021

 It is another day in the life of me. First, I am thankful that. Then let's be honest, I will become mad at the fact I am still here during some point of today. 

Also I should probably include that I am not suicidal. I'm just so aware of the changes in my mood and thought process. How many crazy people admit that?? HaHa.....ha. Its really annoying being aware and not have any control over it. Who knows, I might have undiagnosed multiple personalities. I'm aware of when I change and I don't have control on what I am doing. I should probably get that tested. I mean it would explain a lot. Then again I do have diagnosed PTSD, good ole Depression, and a heavy pour of panic/anxiety disorder. 

So I take my medication. I see my doctor regularly, I do therapy. I make small goals or tasks for me to do on a daily basis so I can enforce the feeling that I'm not worthless today because I did "This". I tell my family when I'm not okay. I let them know if it is going to be a bad day. I have that support and plan together because mental health and self care are important. So I'm good. 

I have been able to accept certain things differently since I started to work on me. I accept that there are going to be bad days, bad moments, bad decisions. It will happen. Its okay for me to be sad plus add in grief and anger as well! It is normal. Nothing is perfect. Trust me this is a huge accomplishment when you accept that. I just eliminated unnecessary anxiety that I will have. I taught myself something that ails me and I'm proud. Go ME!!!

I also accept that this is me. Not completely though yet........ I'm still in stages of anger on it. I will always have PTSD. I will always have some form of Depression. I will always have severe anxiety. I am also good time to hang out with, find ways to make you laugh, music lover and the soul of a full moon. I love hard. I talk really fast when I'm nervous. I have a mouth of a sailor. My intentions are never negative unless you are on my list of five people I hate. 

We all got to start somewhere!

Today's List: 

1. Make bed 

2. Two loads of laundry

3. Give all my kids an extra long hug at least twice today.

4. Take a long hot bath

Tragedies; Praying for Superior Beverage Company

We always want to know the "why?".......

Since we were born and started to see and learn about the world around us, our question was always why? Why do I have to do this or that? Why does this taste like this? Why does it rain? Etc….

Doesn't change when we grow up. We can get answers but never to the point of full and complete understanding for which we desire.

We go into the mode of the would've could've should've….

In reality it is a reflection on the road that we have chose to travel in our life with the people that we included along its path. Would or could you have done anything differently with the relationships that you have made along the way? Reflection on our traveling road we are on in our life includes the people that we collect and/or engage within its path creates this urge to think of: Would you have done anything differently or could have done anything differently with the relationships that you have made along the way? Would it really be a difference if you could have changed something? Should you even think about the would've and could haves?

It's a never-ending circle of torment in our minds within the way that we think and the way that we love and the way we just feel. It goes even down to the way that we just express ourselves in general, because there WILL be a day where we WILL have this reflection more than once. One thing I have personally perceived is that the answer is human. What I mean by that is that all of us together we're human. We are built with humility, empathy, strengths in multiple different areas and faults in multiple different areas. The way we are built down to our morals and even our selfish sins. But within us, being human and not one of us being perfect......... there is something we share equally: Tragedy. That bond of loss and grief and all those questions. Especially, "Why?".

The end of 2016 has a tragedy affecting a lot of people I know and of course the ones I don't even still today. Here we are into the new year of 2017 and there still isn't yet a resolution. Some of you may have heard of what happened since this made national news. Please read the following to know which tragedy I am speaking of:

The Fleming Family

Brian Casey and his daughter Megan

"On December 29th, John T. Fleming, chief executive of Superior Beverage Group in Columbus, Ohio, was piloting the plane from Cleveland, Ohio since his family and friends just attended a Cleveland Cavaliers basketball game. The destination of course was back to Columbus, Ohio. Just only a few seconds after takeoff, the plane disappeared from radar. Last known location was over Lake Erie.

All souls were lost on board and they are the following: John Fleming, his wife Sue Fleming, their two teenage sons: Jack and Andrew Fleming. John's close friend and neighbor, Brian Casey and his daughter Megan. Andrew Fleming's service dog, Sandy was also assumed aboard the plane as well.

The United States Coast Guard, along with many other official organizations, diving teams, etc... vowed to not stop looking until recovery has been completed. Only debris at this point from the plane has been found for which only confirms that tragedy has occurred."

Pretty much all the quoted report above was from combined reports from http://www.10tv.com/news.

Superior Beverage group also just was dealt with another tragedy. An employee after arriving to work yesterday, discovered his wife tragically was lost due to a car accident that morning. Until I have permission I am not going to release anything further on that. Just know another tragic event has occurred which did not make national news. Even with being anonymously, please keep them in your hearts as well.

Please know that no human is a nobody. Every single one of us: humans and animals included; lives a life for which will always be their own individual legacy. We imprint on each other on our journey through this so called life.

When you work for a company, they become your family and your friends. You probably see your co-workers more than you see your own family. You are taught things that resonates eternally. For those that don't know, all of this has hit personally because my husband works for Superior Beverage. Mr. Fleming was his boss. So those of you that are out and about in Columbus, Ohio and you see ANY Superior Beverage employee aka beer guys, please remember they are grieving and mourning all these losses as a family. We should always live in a world on being kind to one another for everyone is fighting some sort of battle.

So please send your thoughts and prayers for everyone at Superior Beverage for these TWO tragic events. Pray for those working on recovery efforts of the plane and all its passengers. Pray for the families that were lost. Praying now for the days ahead while everyone is on their road of healing. Praying for ANYONE right now that is dealing with their own tragedy.

   

 "It has been said, ' time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, in mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone."

Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy

***Please note that I hold no copyrights to any images in this blog today.***

A Holiday Grant of Tablets for Families with a loved with Autism. Let us make it an extra special Christmas!!!

Every year, Autism Speaks does a grant for applicants that are financially disadvantaged for people with Autism. This year, they had 685 iPad Air's with Wifi to grant out to selected applicants that met the following criteria:

Eligible applicants are individuals who:
Have been diagnosed with autism by a licensed professional
Reside in the United States
Have limited income and cannot afford to purchase an iPad

The window to apply has closed already in November to apply for this grant. Those interested in next years iPad grant should register here: Autism Speaks iPad Grant Application

Also, if you would like to personally donate to this grant, you will find that option at the bottom of the main page of that link and click on the DONATE option. 

Zoey and I

Zoey as a deer at Halloween this year

Now with all of that said, many of you know that I have an amazing beautiful daughter Zoey Rae that has "Classical Autism". I've made myself apart of Autism Speaks for many years doing fundraisers and walks to continue the support of not only raising funds but providing education to those that don't know about Autism. The past three years I also began working directly with families that just obtained the diagnosis of Autism. I still remember the day I was told my daughter was autistic. All I had was this diagnosis for her and was sent out on my own to find what path I was supposed to follow. It was the longest road to walk alone. Studying this and

that, reading everything, meeting with doctors and even joined a support group. Heck I even added a major of Psychology in college to not only just understand the science, but I wanted to know how to put myself in the position to look at life the way my daughter did so one day I could hear the word Mommy. Hear and feel her say she loved me. It took a few years but I was lucky. I heard them. I felt them. So helping as many families I can so they are not walking that long road alone is just something that became necessary for me.

So Christmas is almost here and Amazon Prime is working with me with hopefully delivering Fire Tablet, 7" Display 8GB with WIFI in Blue to a lot of families for this Christmas. Tablets and iPads are often the only way some kids with Autism have the ability to even communicate. So here is where I am looking for your help and your contributions.

What I need first is families to be nominated to be in the drawing to obtain a free tablet to them. I will follow the same applicant profile that Autism Speaks uses which is placed in this blog up near the top. I would also like to add if someone is nominating a family or child on the spectrum, I would love a brief explanation on why you are choosing them and maybe even a picture? So please send all applicants and nominations to my private email: monicadiannejohnson@gmail.com. I will need contact information to get back with the drawing winners. Plus some of the information if allowed with be shared on the GoFundMe account.

https://www.gofundme.com/grant-tablets-for-autism-families


Now, the most important part is needing help with contributions. If there are those that would like to actually donate a tablet please email me as well so you may join me on gifting these families!! I have created a GoFundMe account for this fundraiser for contributors. I'm hoping to be able to serve at least ten families this year and possibly more dependent on how much is raised!

Please help be a voice for those that don't have one. 

What do you see?

It has been awhile since I have written anything.... I have let the routine of life just carry it's regular course and forgot that I actually enjoy having to say something. Sad thing is that I've been in a rut of thinking that my voice doesn't make a difference so why even bother? People will still do what they are going to do and feel the way they do. It isn't about that I want to have an influence of change. Just provide an outlook if possible to just one or two people that may have not thought to think that way.

Just the other day I was gracious enough to actually have someone influence the way I thought about something and provide such a different outlook on it that even though my first stance was to argue but reality was they were so right. So..... yes, this stubborn girl was literally thrown off of how I have viewed a part of me for so long to be. 

My life has been filled with many storms to points where I have lost everything. My heart, will-power, strength and even emotions. I don't hide from admitting where I have PTSD and severe anxiety issues that has left me in a way where I thought I was forever broken more than half of my life. Life got hard. Situations out of hand and left me powerless. With losing my mom last year the way I did has numbed me in a way that I have a hard time thinking I will never be the same. 

Things happen for a reason. Signs come out of nowhere....a song plays when I didn't think I needed to hear it and then someone says something to actually fix a part of me. A quote... any quote really allows reflection and clarity for me to remind my head that there were so many inspirational people in the world that has influenced millions by just saying or stating a sentence. 

My main work has always been pharmacy in some shape or form. Trauma, General Surgery, Drug Studies, Drug development, sales, Psychiatric care, Pain management......I could go on. With those experiences lies my development of understanding the human body and brain. The way I personally look at life. The way I study it to understand things that just don't make sense. It is my vice. As soon as a case comes my way I haven't heard or experienced or know anything about, I jump on a learning journey to know as much I can. It can be very ironic when here I deal with so many things personally.....but I avoid learning it for myself care and growth. Or I avoid listening to anything that may or may not personally help me in making myself a better person.

People like me that have gone through severe bouts of depression or their anxiety gets out of control, hearing an other's thoughts is really hard to absorb. As I said prior, I was lucky enough to have someone come at me with an explanation and thought process that not only did I absorb.....but it reached internally in ways that has fully taken over a dark cloud I have carried and actually allows me to reflect in a beautiful manner.

I've said I've been broken. The pieces of me that once was, may be allowed to be glued back together but the scars of the break will remain. I still believe that. But instead of thinking that I'm damaged forever, I've been given a different outlook that I just have to share:

"Stop seeing yourself as broken and start seeing yourself as priceless art. Art takes a certain appreciation. An understanding of process and vision. An empathy for heartbeats in a brush stroke and the emotion in specific colors. Most don't look hard enough or put the thought and effort into. That is their problem."

So just with those words, that feeling of never being good enough has altered in a way that I never thought it could. It has influenced me in a way that I still can't even think of the right adjectives to describe what it has done for my self reflection.

That is the thing though....I look hard for scientific evidence and then nothing that has to do with anything that I study and work breaks through. With me, this proves that just one voice if heard by the right person it can change your entire world.


"A mirror gives you just a reflection of what you want to see, a person can allow you to see more than you ever could." -M.D. Johnson

Kasich vs Mental Health. Educate yourself before you vote.

Primary elections are being held now for many political offices. My state, Ohio, aka the heart of our Nation and with our motto: "With God All Things Are Possible" stands as the state to win over as the final key to name a new President.

So why am I'm sharing information on a election on a Health Blog? Because.....I'm here to inform you of things you may not be aware of in the world of your health and health of others around you and this election today in Ohio, this information is beyond crucial for you know if you haven't done the research.

I'm not at all using this as a platform to say hey, go vote for this person or that person and not this person. This is just some education that you may not even thought to look into. I do have a personal story to share which lead me to do even more research but I think especially today it is crucial for you to know
Ohio Governor Kasich has been in office here for quite some time. He has done a lot for our state. There is a lot of good there. He has been one of the very few Governor's to provide not only a finished and timely budget for our state but a balanced one every year since being in office. That in itself is an impressive feet due to the rest of our nation struggle to meet this goal. Unless you are personally affected by this, you wouldn't think to look into really what he does with each budget. Well.....I looked. I saw where the money has went and where it was taken from to create that balance for the State of Ohio from his political and personal standing.

I was lucky enough to be invited to a private event where Kasich was at a few years ago under representation of the Licking County Sheriff's Office on behalf of my mother. She knew I had to attend because I needed to talk to him. I did. with his political posse behind him and taking pictures and drinking champagne, he greeted all of his guests and spoke with us. After introducing myself I didn't hesitate on getting straight to the point. My question was, "Why is it that every single time you have provided a finished budget for our state have you pretty much demolished and removed almost all the aid for the mental health program?'......his response: "We shouldn’t use society funds for individual needs.”

This response has stayed with me. It hits me personally due to having a special needs child and my constant fight to get aid, research and assistance to help make her grow. Some people are born with a mental illness. Other's obtain mental illness due to life situations and circumstances, environmental changes, military allegiances, etc.
Mental illness isn't just one specific category. It has a range. A spectrum. It affects everyone differently. EVERYONE. So for Kasich to say this is an individual issue and not one as a society, his view is a Black/White one. Having this stand on this view affects every single issue we have as a Nation. If you don't understand the spectrum of mental health then how can you help with Gun Control in the right way? Refugees? Women's Rights's? Terrorists??? You can't. Our military serve our country and because of what they do on behalf of our country they see things, do things and deal with things that create many medical problems for them but the biggest issue is PTSD. Guess what? PTSD is a mental health disorder.

So please tell me again how is it a man that is striving to hold the most powerful position in our Nation, Our Society, say and prove over and over that mental health isn't an issue for him to even care about be able to take that position??? You can't.

You can take a look for yourselves at the budgets and his standings on this issue. Its all there in black and white with his signature and him standing behind it.

Ohio is the key state. Allowing him to win this primary, my state? This is more than a primary. We determine who takes that office. So don't just go vote today to vote. Voting is a right and it is up to you to use that right to vote with as much education and knowledge you can have.

Mental health affects us all. So With God all things are possible. It is possible to have more research and cures and ailments for mental health. We won't get that with Kasich. Just because he is Ohio's governor do not allow him to win this state. Don't take my word for it either. Look for yourself.

Heroin Epidemic in the Heartland: Narcan Available

I've posted in the past before my loathe for this drug. The main reason why I chose the path of being in Pharmacy was to understand every component I could on the process of how drugs are made, their purpose and to use that knowledge to help educate others on their benefits and primarily their danger. Doctors have medications to push. They don't have time to go over the therapeutic benefits and the side effects. Hell even pharmacists in retail especially don't even have the time because they have sooooooo many orders to fill, they don't even do individual consults unless YOU the patient asks. The knowledge is there, you just need to ask for it and not everyone does it. 

So a few weeks ago, the show 60 Minutes did a coverage of the devastating outbreak of the poison of Heroin. If you missed it, follow this link for the video: Heroin in the Heartland...... It hit home....literally. Right here in Ohio and in the suburbs and places I have been and even lived. I moved to another city this year but was in Pickerington, Ohio where they had a team of parents from that area that I know....and knew their lost ones. We do live in a world unfortunately that we all know someone that has used it, still using it, over-dosed on it, went to jail for it, and has died from it. 

The prime candidate's that are exposed to Heroin are ones that are prescribed pain medication. The feeling of opiates in your system not only helps your pain (The reason you are on the medication in the first place), but also about after 3 doses....yes THREE doses, your brain expects that feeling. That chemical reaction occurring in the brain that begins what develops dependency....aka addiction. There is a safe practice to slowly reverse that process but the physicians don't educate, the pharmacists that is filling your order doesn't either.

Now that Heroin is now an epidemic there is another medication that is now available OTC (over-the-counter). No script needed. Narcan (Naloxone) is the medication. It has the ability to reverse the effect of opioids in your system....INSTANTLY. This is now the go to for Emergency rooms, EMS, and police officers to have on hand. Now its available to the public to have. This is a good and bad thing all at the same time. Now that is readily available....those that are living with the addiction to opiates will just use that when they want that instant high that is too much but they have that as back up. Its not helping the problem. It is just a very, very, very small safety net that is guaranteed to work. If you are at a toxic state and tripling the normal dose won't even help.
So another situation. A huge epidemic. Another pathway for families to live through hell. Medicine is supposed to heal and help and cure......not create addicts and ghosts................


What are your thoughts? 

Honor thy Father

I know a lot of people that planned their lives out to the "T": Even down to when to have a child. Whether you planned it or gifted to be a parent, you can't plan how it will completely change your whole perception on planning. Hell, it changes everything. The day your own child is born your heart immediately triples in size. Your emotions, your planning, or whatever will all be either overwhelmed or completely off balanced. The things we do share are that second they are born, You are a Mother. You are a Father. You are no longer just you.

Today is Father's day. Besides from Mother's day, it is a day of celebration but maybe not the way you might have been perceiving it this whole time. This is day of honoring those that not only were gifted with their titles, but earned them. Staying up at all hours of the night changing diapers, or sitting by the phone waiting on your teenager to check in so you know they are okay. Those moments where you look at your own parents and finally have that instant click of understanding what you may have put your own parents through while growing up.

I personally remember growing up and thinking that my parents were so strict on me. I felt like I was always in a sheltered bubble and didn't know why. As a parent now and being an adult, I finally get it. Love is shown in so many forms. We are blinded when we think that as a kid we are being controlled but in reality it is just love. I guess what I mean by that is when we all become parents, we officially are responsible for them for the rest of their lives. We brought them into the world and it is our duty to be the best we can even if we may screw things up from time to time. We carry out actions all based maybe on fear but it comes from our hearts which means love. We protect because of love.

My father is truly an amazing, patient man. Especially for putting up with me. He had things easy with my sister. I was the challenging one and possibly well not possibly...I am still the challenging one. His guidance still leads me through my life even though I'm a parent myself. As you all may know now, I just lost my mother so now he is all I have left. Even though I may not have asked him to be there for me, he was and still is. Still checking on me and my sister. Still being our father and looking at us as his babies. Protecting us as much as he can and trying to help heal our pain. So today, the whole day, I get to honor him. I get to have another day to remind him how much he has made me a better person, a better parent because he was always there whenever I needed him. Thank you will never be enough for as many times he has helped me through the good and the bad of my life.

Today I also get to honor my husband. We were gifted with five amazing kids. I still remember after having our first daughter, I was scared of her. He taught me everything I knew on how to be a mother. He reassured me everyday that I wasn't screwing up and I was doing everything right. He taught me to change a diaper, to even give her a bath. He taught me that I was okay to be scared but also to be proud. He shaped me into the mother I am. We both of course parent our kids together but he is the glue to our family. He helps mold us into place. Without him, we would all be lost. My husband cooks and cleans and does laundry. How many wives can say that? Ha Ha!  I am definitely lucky and so is my kids.

Father's sometimes feel just like mother's do too that they are sometime not good enough. Today is the day to remind them of all the wonderful things that they have done to show them that not only are they good enough, they are more than enough. We all have thoughts that "I should have done this instead" or "I just totally messed up my kid"......we are not perfect. We are human. If we love whole hearted then we did good. It is just sometimes, we need to remind each other of that. That is what Mother's day and Father's Day is about. Reminding them of their importance in our lives. Their influences that made us better people. Not a day about showering someone with a crap ton of gifts and call it a day. Don't get me wrong though about presents because they are awesome to get but just because its a day that recognizes Mother's or Father's doesn't mean that is the definition.

So instead of investing your energy on which golf balls to pick out, invest in your heart and memories that you have. Remind your father today whether they are with us now or not on their importance in your life. How did your father shape you into the person you are today? Even though Thank Yous will never be enough.....reminding them they are appreciated for everything they do if you don't do it on a regular basis then today is your day.

Vick D. West...a week later

One week ago, or should I say last Thursday, my mother was just in my house. Sitting at my kitchen table with me and my kiddos. We were eating pizza, celebrating my youngest daughter's birthday. We wrapped up the evening singing songs and had lots of laughs.

My mother was such an amazing grandmother. I am thankful that they have that memory of her. That was the last time they hugged and kissed her. Just last week.

Here I am my mother's daughter and I can't even hold it together in the way my kids are. They maybe young, but they know grandma is an Angel now. To see my baby girl wrap herself on my mother laying in the casket crying out her heart and professing her love was the bravest thing I have ever seen a 7 year old little girl do. Everyday since my mother's unexpected death, she hasn't stopped playing with the dollhouse my mother brought to her that last night we saw her.

For my mother's memorial, I did speak a little. I couldn't get out everything I had written. I made sure I wore the leopard scarf she made me. When everyone else left, I was able to have a moment alone with her. I know she isn't in pain anymore and she is in a good place but I couldn't leave her. I braided her hair. I prayed and prayed. But my mommy is gone.

The Fraternal Order of Eagles Club my mom and I were apart of provided such an amazing gathering afterwards. They were my mother's second family. The lady's auxiliary are my mother's sisters. Such amazing people. My sister and I will be eternally grateful for all of what they have done.

I'm not going to lie, this week has felt like a month long. It is never ending. Even with my mom gone, there is still a walk of hell my sister and I have to go through.

I wanted to end with one last thing. If it didn't tear me up so much last night, I would have wrote this sooner. Saying goodnight to all my kiddos with lots of hugs and extra kisses just like my husband and I do every night. When it was Zoey's turn, she came and sat next to me and just said this: " Your mom said she is very proud of you and she loves you ever so much". For those of you that don't know, Zoey of course is my daughter, but she also has classical autism. Her communication skills are not anywhere close to where they should be....but she is make tremendous progress. When she said those things and a couple other things that I'm not going to post: It was clear and calm. I don't even think a cricket chirped. I told Zoey to tell me when grandma said anything else and Zoey said of course and kissed me and went to bed.

I'm grateful to all you wonderful friends and family for your support and love and help. I have my memories, just like you have yours. Memories are such an incredible gift to have.

My mom

My mother....My amazing mother is gone. I don't even know if it really has sunk in or not. I just saw her on Thursday. She came over because it was my youngest daughters Birthday the following day. We ate pizza and talked and sang songs. Now all I have left to hear are the three voicemails from her I hadn't deleted yet.....pictures to see her by. Just like that. She left us this morning. Some time between 4-6 am...... I didn't hear the first time my phone went off when her husband was calling. But I answered an hour late. He said it. He said she was gone and went in her sleep in her bed. Just like that. I'm still crumbling inside thinking of that moment. That didn't just happen. But it did. My sister currently lives in Tennessee and they are an hour behind. My sister apparently had her phone on vibrate. I luckily after an hour of calling over and over got her husband awake to wake her. Then I had to tell her. It was the first time I said she was dead. She was gone. Out loud........

I am very grateful for my friends and family that have reached out. I just don't know what to say or do. Hell I went to the funeral home thinking that was what I was supposed to do but they were closed. Had to call the Director of the place to be guided on what I was even to do or what my next steps are. Still not really much clearer then what I knew prior to making that call. I still don't know how to act or handle these spastic and uncontrollable emotions. 

My kids are doing okay, but yet again they are still pretty young to fully understand. Except my oldest. I can't really even tell how she is doing because I can't even figure out how I am even doing. I guess that is why I am writing. Then again I don't even know if I am making any sense to even been understood. 

This isn't supposed to happen yet. My mom has had chron's disease since I was born in 1981. It's been a long battle to deal with but she was dealing with it. She also had sleep apnea but apparently she wasn't using her machine last night? I don't know what happened. All I know is God took her because it was time even though I don't want it to be. The person I talked to about everything and helped guide me through my life isn't here to guide me. 

Tomorrow morning my sis and I and my mother's husband will sit with the Funeral Director. I guess I will know more when that happens. I just want to see her. I don't know what my reaction would be but I want to. If I would have moved a little quicker with my reaction this morning and went straight to the house I could have saw her then. I couldn't move though. They will let me see her right? I don't know how this works. 

Well....I don't know what else to write. I just miss my mom. I want her back and accepting the fact that she is gone well is not acceptable. 

I can't do this.......

#FML....um no. Live your Life

Are you ever guaranteed your dreams? No. but you can try. You need to dream to live. Whether you realize it or not, your mind and soul are on a mission by the choices that you make. Now when you learn from your mistakes and achievements is when it is possible to achieve those dreams of yours.

You have to try. If you never try at love, you won't ever know its feeling. The greatness of love. You can't forget the greatness of pain either. They come with love. The yin and the yang...aka the good and the bad. It comes with everything. Even in your dreams. Successes will always have their downfalls, and lost battles will create a drive for success.

When you have a disapproval of one person, it could be your driver to be the best you can be all because of a feeling. That feeling of letting that one person know that you ARE cable of being the best of your goals and not the disappointment that they may look at you as with one or two failures.

#FML....your opening the door whether you like it or not to have more than one person look at you with less respect and/or disapproval of what you are doing.  I'm told all the time by family and friends to watch what I say in any circumstance including social media. I know they already know by now, they say one thing and I will automatically do another or what I was told not to do in the first place. I admit it. Everyone has seen it or felt it. I'm not hiding it. I'm not denying it. Don't jump.....as I jump repeatedly just to see your reaction. It motivates me. Now is each motivation a positive one? Nope. I live and learn just like the rest of you. Sometimes I think the people that know me best try to put me in entrapment. They have come very close to shutting me down. I still find my way. My dreams are still there and growing and becoming brighter. My motivation for achievement may be for just the feeling of proving someone wrong but at the same time to feel that accomplishment that I can say, "I did it!".

I don't need people to believe in me but I will admit it does help with some situations. Especially when it comes to my goals in my career. Its so frustrating when I see myself being someone great, and then have people second and third my thought and then there is one person that is my wall. A wall created because they think they know me but never took the chance to really know who I was and their influence level is a big fucking wall that I can't even chisel through. Enter the hashtag #FML. But that would be silly. Is my life really horrible? Nope. I have a hurdle and the incapacity to jump it for the moment. I'm not giving up. It drives me nuts seeing this hash tag aka reference all over the social sites. When you use it....I think it should be only when you are incapable of jumping the hurdle. Just because you can't figure your way yet doesn't mean you won't so don't act like you can't.

When working in hospitals, I had to make myself visually reset after a bad moment or day. Its a quick fix to walk in a SICU or MICU to see and hear the stories of how people are in those positions. Waiting on a liver and have two days to live...was walking down the street to work and was hit by a random car and now have no legs......burned over 75% of their body because their husband didn't like what she made for dinner and that child that took a doctor prescribed antibiotic for an infection and turned out to be allergic to penicillin and every layer of their skin is falling off their body. That's where the #FML should be. Not on a day because you didn't get your way or you got a speeding ticket.

You may think you have it bad, but I bet you everything that someone is having it way worse. I'm not saying don't be negative. Be true to your emotions. If you feel something........ let it out. Just watch your hash tags and I won't be so judgemental. Yes...I'm judgemental. Just like you are and everyone else. A good Catholic girl would advise judgment is only allowed by the Almighty God. But I'm not going to sin and lie and say I won't question you when I know for a fact when I give a reason to be judged.....I will be.

So the message of all this? Go for what you want. Use whatever you may need to get there. Criticism for drive, pissing someone off for motivation......letting someone down because you understand the power you have over them..... I can go on. You make your life what it is based on what you want not what others see for you. Just don't drown yourself with a wall of #FML when you have the power to blast through that wall. Use your head, your heart, your pain, your love, your drive. You will find your way through. Don't be that statistic that I judge and everyone else will too.

Brittany Maynard. Dying with Dignity? Or Suicide

29 year old, Brittany Maynard, her husband and her Mother made the choice to move to the state of Oregon for the sole purpose to undergo medical care for her Terminal  Fatal Brain Cancer. The treatment she sought out was a prescription that would allow her to end her own life at any time. Physicians in that state and only two other states allow this process to happen. It has be a script to be filled at a pharmacy and it has to be self medicated. No one else but the patient for whom it is prescribed to may administer it. She took her own life on Saturday, November 1st.

Her story hit the news and social media markets because of how public she made her position on "Dying with Dignity" and having that right to. It was her last wish to die on her own terms. She was granted that wish.

Just like anyone else suffering with anything terminal medically, we all want to have that option to have as many good days vs. the bad ones. Science and Medicine are constantly changing and creating outstanding advancements. Hence the reason why pharmacology is not only my specialty, but my love of work.

There are so many people that don't have the option that Brittany has, and honestly I really don't think that they should. I honestly don't understand how this law was passed in any state. No matter how you look at it, its suicide. You are taking your own life not matter how you look at it. She got a script. Some people use a gun or a knife or walk into a train. Maybe my faith is taking over here by being Catholic, but we are all gifted with a opportunity to make the best of the time we have been given on this earth. We don't have an expiration date. Only God has that for us. Doctors may give a diagnostic for 2 weeks or 4 months to live but that's just based on science analogy and how fast the terminal illness populates.  No one wants to end this earth without doing everything we want to do or what we think we have to do. Let alone I highly doubt that anyone wants a long excruciating painful death either.

With Brittany's illness, she was suffering. I will never know how bad that pain was for her and I will never question her on that. We all deal with pain differently. Some have a very high tolerance to pain and a lot don't.

We have Hospice to help ease those challenges faced with certain ailments. That to me is dying with dignity. I just don't agree with the right of having our own choice to take our life. Medically guided or not. Every thing that we go through in life teaches us a lesson that we are supposed to learn from and if we have the opportunity to, we grow from it. Brittany did create awareness of issue that she is passionate and I do praise her for doing so. Sharing the whole world her last few months of life and raising awareness for her cause.

I know the question that many people have that why is God only there for some people? Why does he allow suffering and cancer and all these bad people out there doing horrible things to other people. Why are people murdered and why is a 3 year old little girl with the same brain cancer as what Brittany had in Children's hospital battling harder than I could as an adult. Says she has faith in God and his plan for her. Even if it will only be three and half years of her life on this earth and with her family. We are not supposed to understand everything.

I also want to make it clear that I am not passing judgement on Brittany and her choice. I just pass judgement on the specific role of voluntarily taking your own life. I get the power of medicine and the power of God cross paths many many times. My optimism of hoping with all the advancements we made in medicine that there will be cure for all forms of cancer. The evil duplicating cells that destroy a person from the inside out. My family was lucky. My husband had Stage 4 Fast Spreading Malignant Melanoma. After surgeries, he became Cancer free by the doctors and my belief by the Grace of God.

So I guess I will end with this. Brittany, I'm so glad you are no longer suffering, may your family and friend find peace with all of this.

Signing off forever ProLife.

What Lies Beneath.....Michael Brown.

Everyone has a voice. Only certain people know how to use it properly. We all have an opinion, but not all of us have the facts. The Truth.

Have you ever thought about the statement, "The Truth Lies Within" ?

Police investigators, students and teachers look for evidence to show proof of what you see and learn to be true. The reality of it when you are trying to figure out or try to understand why someone did or said something, you will never really know what lies within. You see the surface if you are lucky.

You see what you to see and know what you want to know. When media and tabloids get a hold of a story they show you what they want to exploit. It is never everything. My husband stated a great point: Everything is an illusion. The truth gets twisted and turned in so many ways that surface I was talking about is the only thing you have left.

Here is some examples that hopefully you might understand where I am coming from:

This story is recent and I have seen opinions flying and floating everywhere. Opinions have been shared even when that person is contradicting what they are saying. People of different entities, stature, placement, race, and even including those that are standing on their own stool or high horse.

So let us start with you watching this video:

Suspect with Michael Brown, His Witness Testimony

Now I want you to listen to it more than once. Listen to every word this kid says. First he says, the officer never said freeze, but at the end of the video he says that and I quote, "When he says freeze again,"..... He contradicts his story many times, but since he was in the media, he emphasized "shot like a dog". "shot because two black men walking down the middle of street by a white officer.".

Now I want you to watch this:

Full Video of Michael Brown and Friend Robbery along with more news

Please note in this robbery, this was done just a few minutes prior to Michael's death. A police report was released of the suspects as soon as the store owner called it in. According to the media, the officer that alleged shot Michael wasn't aware of the release of suspects information.
But also, please note in this video, Michael stole numerous cigars before leaving the scene along with his friend in the above video, stormed the clerk twice, plus place his hands around the clerk to be more of a threat to that clerk.

In just my opinion when I have heard on the news and what I have read so far on just this incident, Many people have said he was a good boy. Never did anything wrong. This video shows something quite different than the definition of a "good boy" that I have learned growing up, but yet again that is just my opinion.

Now here is the final video and story for this incident:

http://clashdaily.com/2014/08/new-evidence-eye-witness-mike-brown-shooting-states-brown-doubled-back-toward-police/

While watching the video you do hear many people screaming shouting different things, but you also hear a witness that actually was present during this scene taking place that explains in almost the same exact detail that the officer that shot the victim of what happened and reported for this event of explanation of what did happened.

So now we have three different videos, one a robbery a few minutes before, the friend of the victim involved in the robbery and was with the victim at the time of shooting, and the final video showing explicit detail of the situation but most importantly a witness explaining to others of exactly what happened because he was there.

So, what lies beneath all this? We have evidence, some facts, witnesses, a white cop that shot a black man.............
All of this display is just scratching the surface of what really happened. But to have a witness in the last video saying at first he thought it was another gang shooting but then realized differently when Mr. Brown was doubling back at the officer in full speed after trying to take the officer's handgun, ignoring all officers commands, was then shot dead.

Heck, I have even heard people say in regards to the officer that made the life ending shots to this man, should be imprisoned. Especially with one of the victims friends and/or family members so he won't live to see tomorrow.

Now go back and read what I just wrote. A black man wrote that comment on the first release of the video of the friend that was with Mr. Brown at the time speaking on how his friend was shot down like a dog after the officer yelled freeze twice...........So a black man is basically already saying that the group of friends and family of Mr. Brown are already in Jail? But his family states that he was a good boy? I'm just confused.
I don't understand why this is a Black/White thing again? Not everything in this world is racial. Its the media and the society of where certain people live and believe twist things to be racist.

No matter what I say or post or show evidence or show opinions of, media has about as much information as you and I do and the only people that really know and understand what happened is the victim on why he made the choices he did that day and that officer that made the decision to use deadly force.

I personally have been jumped and robbed from a white male. Raped by a Black Male. Just had five white teenagers set off bombs in a desired upper class part of town. People are good. But they all have some bad in them. White, Black, yellow....I don't care. Violence is violence. Making things worse and turning it into a racial thing shows me Martin Luther King Jr. didn't really do much but share a dream for only half of the world to listen and understand. 

To Vaccinate or not to Vaccinate your child?

There was a link a week or so ago that was traveling over Facebook that of course caught my attention. I've been so busy I haven't had a chance to respond the way I wanted. Plus now that I keep searching for that link, I can't find it to connect with what all I have to say next. So let's summarize:

The articles had videos along with statics reports that kept identifying that there is no proof that there is any link whatsoever with vaccinations and Autism. Also, it influenced that because of parents trying to avoid at all costs for having a child that is Autistic, they choose to not vaccinate their children. I call Bullshit. :)

I'm going to start with those parents out there that are not vaccinating their children. So listen up!! You are IGNORANT. Yes I just said that to you. I'm a mother of not just one but two children on the spectrum. And I know for a fact that in my family's cases that the Vaccination process, specifically the MMR Vaccine AND the amount of frequency of other vaccinations at that time were given caused my daughter Zoey to have "Classical Autism". But you also need to know this as well: genetics was a cause too.
The combination of the genetics of myself and my husband, calculate as well as the environment we live and that multitude of other vaccines my daughter got that day including the MMR that had the preservative in it that contains Mercury caused her Autism.

I have five kids all together. My oldest, I did the same vaccinations in the order that I did with Zoey. But Zoey obtained Autism....Kymberly didn't.

After learning and studying more about vaccinations and of course my pharmacy background helping me understand medications and vaccinations helped as well. It isn't the vaccinations we need to be scared of. Here in Ohio, there has been a huge Mumps outbreak. Main cause is because many families today are not vaccinating their children. We have an outbreak that we medically eliminated because of vaccinations and now because people just hear one thing, they expose a long line of threat.
Do I believe parents have the right to chose to do whatever is medically necessary for their children as they see fit? Of course. Why should a government have to control another thing about what we do? Everything though has a reason.
You need to still vaccinate your kids. This shouldn't be a question. This shouldn't be an option. What you should be questioning and looking for certain options is to see what ways this can be done safer and not have that 50/50 chance of vaccination autism.

I shared this a long time ago and I personally have my children on the same vaccination schedule. I make other adjustments as well....but the end result is always that they still obtain all their vaccinations.

Whether the drug companies want to see it or not, vaccines has linked an increase to Autism diagnosis. We need our vaccines to stay safe...they just need to be administered in a different way.
Here are the steps I follow. Feel free to take this into your doctors office. This guideline has been created by DAN Doctors.

Please also know that Vaccines ARE NEEDED! Don't not have them...just follow a different schedule to administer. 

DAN! (Defeat Autism NOW!) Vaccination Guidelines:

1. Use Thimersol / Mercury free vaccines!!
The only way to know for sure a vaccine is mercury/thimersol free is to
read the insert yourself! Many doctors still have mercury/thimersol
vaccines sitting in the refrigerators! And yes, mercury /thimersol
containing vaccines are still being made!! Be sure to be 100% sure!

2. Do not vaccinate newborns.

3. Avoid re-immunization with a vaccine after a previous bad reaction.

4. NEVER vaccinate ill children or children recovering from an infection.

5. Space vaccines - do not give multiple vaccines in 1 day.
(THAT INCLUDES vaccines that have multiple viruses! Split them up!)

6. Use single dose vials from which to draw up the vaccines as opposed
to multiple-dose vials which provide less uniform dosage.

7. Use inactivated polio. (the shot, not the drops)

8. Give RDA (Recommended Daily Allowances) of Vitamin C before and
after vaccines

9. Give a natural form of Vitamin A ( cod liver oil ) to keep RDA's at
level at all times for the age.

10. Separate the MMR into 3...start with measles at 12-15 months, then
mumps at 18-21 months, rubella at 24-27 months.

11. Do not give live virus vaccines to immunodeficient children.

12. Do not give vaccines if allergic to any of these components:
i. Yeast - Hep B
ii. Eggs - MMR
iii. Neonycian - MMR or Varicella

13. Hold off on the Varicella until 10-12 years & if the child is shown not
immune to Chicken pox.

14. Checking vaccine titers before giving boosters (Most people are
immune after one dose. We continue to get multiple doses that MAY
NOT BE NEEDED. Have them check antibody levels via titres blood
test.)

RECOMMENDED READING:
A great book for all parents / grandparents: What Your Doctor May Not Tell You About
Children's Vaccinations by Stephanie, Md. Cave, Deborah Mitchell (Contributor) (Paperback -
September 2001)

Once I find that link I will have that along with a more in depth synopsis of what these people are portraying.